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The Atlanta Braves Are Hotter Than Your Best Friend’s Hot Mom Scissoring Your Wife In The Back Of An El Camino While Your Ex-Girlfriend Gives You A Handy As You Watch From The Front Seat

by Tommy Gimler

The Atlanta Braves might celebrate their home runs like a couple of Midtown gays, but they haven’t lost since July 25th.

Atlanta has won 13 consecutive ball games, the longest winning streak since Brad Pitt and Oakland rattled of 20 in a row in 2002, courtesy of sweeps at the hands of St. Louis, Colorado, Philadelphia, and Washington. And in doing so, they have taken a commanding 15 1/2 game lead in the NL East. Here’s how they have done it:

1) On July 26th, manager Fredi Gonzalez spiced things up a bit by moving Justin Upton to the two-hole. Since then, Upton has a .440 batting average, five home runs, and a 1.329 OPS…

2) First baseman Freddie Freeman has been on base in 11 of those 13 games and is hitting .340 over that stretch…

3) Third baseman Chris Johnson leads the NL with a .339 batting average this year, and his 30 hits are the most in the NL since the All-Star break. If you called that before the season started, you’re a fucking liar…

4) The Braves have outscored their opponents 77 to 31 during the winning streak, and their +121 run differential this season is the second best mark in the National League behind St. Louis…

5) Closer Craig Kimbrel hasn’t given up an earned run since July 4th. Before that, he hadn’t been scored upon since May 7th. That’s just one earned run over the last three months…

6) Atlanta’s pitching staff has held opponents to a .193 batting average in the month of August, the best mark in the majors. But while that .193 average seems lower than throwing a stick into a sick kid’s wheelchair’s spokes, it’s not as brutal as Dan Uggla’s .190 batting average for the season…

7) Since the All-Star break, the Braves are tops in the National League in hits, home runs, RBI, runs, and slugging percentage…

8 ) Finally, if you don’t think Atlanta’s 15 1/2 game lead in the NL East is going to hold up, you’re a fucking idiot. Their next 11 games are against NL East foes, none of which are over .500. And every team the Braves face down the stretch in September is currently under .500…


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