by Tommy Gimler
The wildest week of the year so far featured two walk-off grand slams on the same day, the history-making Orioles of Baltimore, and if you haven’t heard about Josh Hamilton, then you’re probably deaf.
Stud Team of the Week – Atlanta Braves
I guess you could say the Atlanta Braves exacted some revenge against the St. Louis Cardinals this weekend by walking into their place and sweeping the series in front of near sellout crowds. But I’m sure it feels a lot like shooting the guy who ass-raped you last year. Sure, he’s dead now, but you still got ass-raped last year.
These 2012 Braves aren’t like past Atlanta squads. They’re winning with offense. Atlanta finished the week ranked 2nd in runs, 6th in average, 7th in slugging, and 8th in OBP. It also helps when Brandon Beachy’s ERA resembles your average Irish prick: tiny (1.60).
Runner Up: Los Angeles Dodgers (5-1)
DUD Team of the Week – Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim
So far the Angels are like that dream girl you finally get a chance to plow, but when you take down her drawers you find a big pecker. Pretty disappointing.
The Angels were on the national stage last night with their ace on the mound and a chance to take 2 of 3 from the Texas Rangers in their backyard. Instead, every Rangers hitter took their Louisville Slugger and shoved it up Jered Weaver’s cornhole. Sideways.
I currently weigh more than Albert Pujols’s batting average (.196), and the “slugger” has only one home run in 2012. And even that one barely left the yard. He also sits at 12 RBI for the year. Josh Hamilton had more than that last week.
Runner Up: Colorado Rockies (1-5)
Stud Player of the Week – OF Josh Hamilton, Texas Rangers
The offensive explosion from Josh Hamilton’s week makes a Peter North cum shot look like a leaky faucet. You might need to sit down as you take in these numbers:
14 hits in 30 at-bats (.467 AVG), 9 HR, 18 RBI, 10 runs, 4 BB, .529 OBP, 1.433 SLG, 1.963 OPS.
Take it in one more time because much like an Ashlee Simpson hit record, you’ll never see it again.
Runner Up: Carlos Beltran had six home runs, but I would say “nobody” is the appropriate answer here.
DUD Player of the Week – 2B Rickie Weeks, Milwaukee Brewers
The best thing that Rickie Weeks did last week was get hit by a pitch on his wrist, ensuring he wouldn’t play for the rest of the weekend. Before that pitch, the Brewers’ second baseman was 0 for 15 with 7 strikeouts. For the season, Weeks has 19 hits and 41 strikeouts. Brewers’ skipper Ron Roenicke finally removed Weeks from the leadoff spot, but he only bumped him to the two hole where Weeks will still have plenty of opportunities to not get on base for Milwaukee’s big gun.
Runner(s) Up: B.J. Upton, Pedro Alvarez
Dumbest Logan Morrison Tweet of the Week
What ever happened to the balls on mice? I miss ‘em…
Breaking Records in Baltimore
The Baltimore Orioles set an American League record by starting Thursday’s game against Texas with back-to-back-to-back home runs. Ryan Flaherty, J.J. Hardy, and Nick Markakis all homered off of Colby Lewis in the Orioles’ 6-5 victory.
Three National League teams have accomplished the feat, and Hardy was also part of the last team to do it. Rickie Weeks, Hardy, and Ryan Braun homered to begin the game for the Milwaukee Brewers in September of 2007.
In the same game, Colby Lewis became the first pitcher since 1918 to give up five home runs and strike out 12 batters in the same game.
None of this takes away from the fact that the city of Baltimore still has a form of incurable syphilis…
Good, Great, Grand – No Yelling On The Bus…
For the first time since 1998, there were two walk-off grand slams on the same day. Giancarlo Stanton and Joey Votto both went yard with the sacks full to win the game for the Marlins and Reds. Nelson Cruz also hit a grand slam for the Rangers, but not of the walk-off kind (although it pretty much ended any hope of the Angels winning the game).
Votto finished the day with three home runs, giving his five on the season. Or, fives times that of Albert Pujols…
No Game For Old Men
Here are the current 2012 stats for the oldest starting pitchers in the game, proving that Aaliyah was full of shit. Age is obviously more than just a number. Keep in mind that Pettitte’s lone game was against the Mariners, meaning it was like one final Triple A tuneup before the big show.
Jamie Moyer (49): 38 2/3 IP, 1-3 record, 53 hits, 11 walks, 24 K’s, 4.66 ERA, WHIP, .323 BAA
Miguel Bautista (41): 25 1/3 IP, 1-1 record, 28 hits, 16 walks, 17 K’s, 4.26 ERA, 1.74 WHIP
Andy Pettitte (39): 6 1/3 IP, 0-1 record, 7 hits, 3 walks, 2 K’s, 5.68 ERA, 1.58 WHIP
How The DUD’s Over/Under Bets Look:
Milwaukee Brewers OVER 81.5 wins – DAMN
LA Angels of Anaheim OVER 89.5 wins – DAMN
Kansas City Royals UNDER 78.5 wins – You fucking know it!!!
Houston Astros UNDER 62.5 wins – DAMN!
On pace for: 1-3
Somewhere out there, a dork has both Albert Pujols and Rickie Weeks on his fantasy team, and he is probably just as miserable as I am…